Dear Beloved Daughter
Reimagining Ghazali's Advice for a 9 year old girl
Hello! Today I’m celebrating the 1-year anniversary of writing Ugly Shoes. In my 6-month anniversary post, I compared writing this weekly newsletter to a kindergartner learning to read. The metaphor now is a child reaching for balloons, trying to make friends, and exploring whatever she’s curious about.
But there’s another celebration today.
April 18th is a special day.
This is the date I became a mother. I always get myself a gift on my daughter’s birthday (in addition to getting her something of course) and making time to write this essay was my gift to myself.
I experimented with writing a letter to my 9-year-old daughter based on an ancient Sufi text called “Dear Beloved Son” by Imam Ghazali. Trying to copy and adapt “Dear Beloved Son” by Imam Al-Ghazali, repackaging 12th-century advice for the year 2024, in a format that is accessible is a little wild. I am doubtful much of this will make sense to my child, but I wanted to share these words anyway, no matter how imperfect and how unedited.
I also wanted to give a shout-out to my newest subscriber ! Also thank you to Ayesha and Farrah for upgrading your membership! Thank you for liking my writing. It means a lot to me.
Dear Beloved Daughter:
Today is the day I remember your birth and show gratitude that you are my daughter.
May God grant you a long life as his obedient servant and may He place you in His service alone. May God guide you to the right path of those who love Him and are loved by Him. Ameen.
Your father and I are overjoyed and grateful for this moment. We choose to invest time as a family today, to go someplace together, learn something, and do something together. The gift of time is the most precious gift. Your friends will always be there, especially for happy moments, but this is not the case for your parents and grandparents. So it’s wise to choose family.
My first gift to you is this letter which I hope serves as a sort of legacy. I wrote to you many letters in notebooks and journals over the years, but none of them were digital; there were no Facebook posts, no IG posts, nothing really. This was my choice. We live in an age in which the private becomes public.
There’s also a gift bag in the living room with your favorite kinds of squishy toys. I know that’s what you really want, those squishy toys. But your mom is the kind of mom who writes public letters as a birthday gift.
First, know my child that real advice should come from the Revelation and Sunnah. If you have that, why do you need your mother’s advice?
So many reasons. It has to do with patriarchy, which I will tell you about later.
On Time
“The sign that God has turned away from His worshipper is his busying himself in what does not concern him; and if a man has passed an hour of his life in other than for which he was created, it is certainly fitting that his grief should be prolonged and whoever has reached the age of forty, and his good does not surpass his evil, let him prepare for the Fire.” - from the Prophet (S)
This is advice for people of knowledge. Some will get this; some will not. Basically, this means don’t waste time.
On Knowledge
My dear daughter, to give advice is an easy matter. The difficulty is accepting the advice since it is bitter for those who follow their own inclinations and desires. There are people who love the forbidden from the depths of their hearts. These people believe that mere abstract knowledge, without proper action, will rescue them. This is the belief of the philosophers (did you know your mom and your grandma studied philosophy?)
Today’s philosophers are the social media influencers who give you little nuggets of knowledge, packaged in pretty colors with links to products that will make you happier, younger, and more beautiful. As a girl, the expectations set by society are grossly unfair and biased against you acquiring beneficial knowledge. The markets prefer that you are slightly insecure, slightly dissatisfied and mostly preoccupied with your body, beauty, and neurosis. Mama will explain objectification when you are a little older. There’s a reason that one cosmetics brand made $3B in annual revenue. B = billion, and that means 9 zeros. So that means $3,000,000,000. These companies sell beauty in little potions and products and more, and more men and women obsess over their bodies in this modern age.
Benefiting from knowledge means that you actively apply what you learn, not simply acquire more and more.
On Evaluation
My dear daughter, evaluation means making a judgment. Our Prophet (S) said:
“Evaluate your works before you are asked to account for them. Weigh your works before you are evaluated.” Ali, his son-in-law (RA) said, “Those who think they can achieve their aims without work are dreaming, and those who think that they will attain the goal through exertion alone are self-confident and consider themselves self-sufficient.”
Each year, maybe on your birthday, take yourself into account. Try to figure out what things you can improve. We are all growing and changing but most people don’t bother to write anything down.
On Death
My dear daughter, live as long as you may, you will certainly die one day. Love whoever you wish (within the Shariah), because one day you will taste separation, and do what you will, and you will be rewarded accordingly. One day I will not be here, and you will be okay because I taught you spiritual knowledge, not just how to fold your socks.
On Hypocrisy
My dear daughter, what have you gained from learning scholastic subjects like math, grammar, language arts, or robotics? Jesus (AS) said: “What are you doing for other creature though you are surrounded by kindness? Are you so deaf that you cannot hear?”1 The point is not to acquire the best grades, get a seat at the Ivy League, and secure a coveted offer at a tech company. These are nice. But your mom and dad did that (minus the tech) and it’s not the path we want for you. The default path is not for everyone. Living prophetically means aligning values, actions, and purpose.
Action
My dear beloved daughter, knowledge without action is insanity and action without knowledge is vanity. Know that knowledge today will not distance you from sins, nor bring you into obedience, nor distance you from the fire of Hell tomorrow. If you do not act today and do not derive lessons from your past days, you will say on the Last Day, “Please can I go back to do more good deeds?” And the response will be a hard no. You cannot go back in time to do more good deeds. So do as much good as you can now, while you still can.
My dear beloved daughter, I’ve given you wisdom from one of the greatest spiritual thinkers and teachers. There are 70 more pages of wisdom and advice from Imam Ghazali, but let’s stop here for the sake of your attention, and the fact that I need to prep sandwiches for our family adventure.
You’re only 9 after all, and this is some heavy stuff.
Happy Birthday, mamoni.2
Love,
Mama
A Question
Which piece of advice resonated with you? Have you ever received advice in the form of a letter? Have you ever written yourself a letter? I’m curious. Let’s meet in the comments!
A Call to Action
If you are inspired by this piece of writing, please share it with a friend or a girl in your life. Please tap the heart so more people can find this post.
If you are more than a little inspired, I invite you to join me in giving to a charity of your choice. Muslims give charity in times of sadness and happiness.
Here are some opportunities:
Intimate Partner Violence affects 1 in 4 women in America. Culturally competent services are essential for many women.
As of 2022, 100 million people have been forcibly displaced worldwide, 27.1 million of whom are refugees and children are the most affected, making up more than 40% of all refugees. I know they’ve reached their goal, but I thought it was a worthwhile cause.
Trees will outlive us, so there are so many reasons to plant a tree in memory of someone you love or appreciate. I learned this practice from David, (may God have mercy on him). He was the head of HR at my old company and he planted 20 trees in honor of my daughter’s birth. I’m not sure if this is a Jewish thing, or an American thing, but I kept up his good habit.
Other places to give from my friend Khalid, the chaplain at NYU. These contributions will be eligible for zakat but are not tax-deductible:
Lina Barkawi, NYU Class of 2022, is raising funds at https://www.gofundme.com/f/seeking-refuge-help-noors-family-evacuate-gaza for her friend Noor and her family to evacuate. Noor lost her husband, her home, and her job as a teacher and is now a single mother trying to get her family to safety. You can find more information on their situation and donate to help them evacuate by clicking here.
Shaheen Hasan is raising funds at https://www.gofundme.com/f/reham-and-brothers-leave-gaza-and-restart-their-lives with her friend Jose (a former journalist who lived in Gaza) to support the evacuation of Reham and her family in Gaza, who are all in the South due their homes being destroyed in airstrikes. Reham's sister also has been diagnosed with leukemia and is in need of medical treatment. You can find more information on their situation and donate to help them evacuate by clicking here.
Dr. Bader and Mona El-Ghussein are raising funds at https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-my-family-flee-genocide for their family members, including their one-year-old niece. Their family members have said "For months now, we have endured the relentless onslaught of bombings, living each day in fear and uncertainty. Our home lies in ruins, and we are forced to roam from one shelter to another, struggling to find even the most basic necessities for survival in Gaza's war-torn landscape." You can find more information on their situation and donate to help them evacuate by clicking here.
Huriyyah Chaudhry is raising funds at https://www.gofundme.com/f/evacuating-my-relatives-from-gaza-to-safety for her friend Lana's family made up of elders and children, all of whom are facing malnutrition amongst many other challenges. You can find more information on their situation and donate to help them evacuate by clicking here.
Please do give whatever you can. Whether it's $1, $5 ... $5000, every bit will make a difference. And please keep our sisters and brothers in Gaza in your thoughts and prayers.
Hi, I’m Sadia. I write through the ugly stage of motherhood, as a mom of young children trying to make space for creativity and the pursuit of spiritual knowledge. I write about topics like theology, culture, gratitude, and trying to live a prophetic life in modern times.
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I did not understand the citation for this…
In Bengali culture, daughters are called a term of endearment that is a variation of the word mama. It’s pronounced ma-moo-ni.
What is it with 9 year olds and squishy toys?
I love this, InshaAllah it will bring benefit to your daughter throughout her life.
What a beautiful letter! May Allah always keep her blessed and on the right path❤️